Mumbai Auto Rickshaws :-Roller coaster Ride

If your faith in the the lord is wavering - take an auto ride to the suburbs of Mumbai. You get to experience the raging testosterone of the autowallas expressed in their speed. And in that moment of maddening speed, overtaking cars, not killing jaywalkers, breaking signals and pulling and pushing you with his power accelerator - you can renew your faith.

                                    

I hope you were never stuck in any place in the sweltering heat looking for an auto because either they will ignore you or they will charge you double the fare you usually would have had to pay. Nobody knows how to play mean better than Auto-wallahs in the Financial capital city of India. I hope you were able to keep your cool when you came across pseudo intellectuals inspired by Albert Einstein and 50 cent who lectured you shouting at the top of their voices about anything and everything they don’t know the first thing about. And I genuinely hope you didn’t come across people who though don’t pretend to know anything about the world but think they own the world and thus start every sentence that comes out of their mouths from a cuss word. It’s getting unrealistic now, almost Utopian, isn’t it? 

Catching an auto itself is a routine. First you need to get his attention, which is like praying for an audience with him. Tentatively you extend your hand hoping to get his attention and that he mercifully slows down to hear your plea. 

He might slow down Or cross your path - without eye contact (depending on the sins that you have committed). It is amazing as to how they could just pretend to not see a grown adult in an empty street, with arms stretched out - yelling places - andheri, ghatkopar, borivalli….and continue moving in an empty auto on a empty street to godknowswhere.

Smart auto catchers quickly adjust to the situation by looking past the autofellow pretending to catch the next one - which as mr. murphy would predict the auto would definitely be full.

I have memories of my school days of the rickshaw bhaiya (no stereo-typing slur intended) who used to be an ignorer - but now that he is also a racer is new to me.

That which doesn’t kill you makes you reach faster!

Swerving and speeding, hitting potholes with a vengeance, he literally lives on the edge. The passenger is someone whom he tolerates - they are the necessary evil as  they pay for the trip. Left alone, he’d prefer to fly on his own.

                            “Something similar to this”

Maybe it’s just Mumbai or maybe it’s just because it is a financial city where people make their dreams come true. For me living in Mumbai isn’t difficult or offensive, it’s just plain annoying sometimes. Finally I really do hope you find a reason to love   Mumbai , mine being quite a simple one “its home”. I’m here because it’s the only place I know in the whole world,   Mumbai is where I was born and specially got my best buddies of life 'Aasach Grp'. Mumbai is where I went to college with friendsand learnt dynamics of Life  and I hope Mumbai is where I’ll always be 

Lot of people prefer to relax and meditate in quiet harmonious surroundings.

But that’s not for me. I gingerly sit in the corner of the auto, close my eyes, focus on my breathing, try to block the surroundings (read honking and swerving) and not get alarmed when he brakes suddenly and I almost fall on his lap. 

That’s “Nirvana in an Autorickshaw” for you

We Women & Mumbai Local !

" Ae dil hai mushkil hai jeena yaha, zara Bach ke Zara Back ke, yeh Hai Mumbai - Meri Jaan !! "

Today, a geriatric man whacked me with his newspaper at Churchgate station. He looked senile and sweet, so I didn’t mind getting my head knocked around. As I walked away, this apprehension crept over me that, perhaps one and a half year of not commuting by the local train has made me cushy and lil lazy. I might have become a shell of what I used to be – a tigress to a domesticated cat – this cannot be! It is now time to review, remember and reassess my skills as one of the 6.9 million daily local train commuters of Bombay. I share this with all of you.

I have broken up the guide into three parts – Before, During & After

Before:Cover yourself up– Head to toe, especially for stations like Andheri or Dadar. You do not want to give lecherous men any masturbation material

Tie your hair – TIE YOUR HAIR. I cannot stress on this point enough. Apart from fellow commuters complaining about your hair flying in their faces, nothing makes your hair more greasy than train travel

Learn the platform walk – Never walk straight, zig zag through the crowd quickly and don’t care about people behind you, they know well enough to take care of themselves

Train Direction –Trains run helter-skelter in all directions. When confused, it’s best to ask the food stall vendors at the station. Other commuters might be as confused as you or so busy that they’ll march right by you

Be alert – Just because you know the drill, it doesn’t mean you can’t accidentally board a train heading towards the depot. Listen to the announcements and watch what other people around you are doing

Everything must go (in) – You want to talk on the phone or listen to music while boarding a train during the rush hour? Don’t. Put away your cellphones and iPods safely in your bag before boarding. You don’t want to lose it in a swirl of psychotic blur

Tidal wave woes – The rush hour rush is a cold unyielding force. Let this tidal wave wash into the compartment first. If you are feeling adventures then ride the wave by standing in front, aiming your body towards the direction you want, and let the people push you into the train

During:

Once in, push – Push and shove your way to a happier (read: less stinkier place). There is no shame in pushing and shoving, provided you don’t internally damage anyone with your elbows

* Insert station name * kiss side pe hain? – If in doubt, always ask at least two persons as to from which side you can alight the train for your stop

Train Etiquette – Always try and make way for people when their station arrive, otherwise they will knock you down

Cool Down – Try to get either a sitting window spot or a standing spot next to the door. If all fails, find a functioning fan and stand under it. Anything is better than nothing

Claustrophobia Centre – Try not to think you are in the capital of claustrophobia. If you do so, close your eyes, count to ten and then start to think of green fields. Or Johnny Depp, whichever works.

Flash Forward – At least one stop before your station approaches, move to the side your station’s platform will appear. In rush hour crowd, you might not be able to get off at your intended platform if you wait till the last minute

Cross arm stance – If your personal space is being invaded in a crowded train, cross your arms and firmly elbow those who try to push you around and take your spot. It’s your spot. You’ve earned it.  Die, bitch, die.

Hold on to the horses! – As your station approaches and the train slows down, chances are the people behind you are bearing down on you, hard. You hold on to the train handle or door handle, tight. You do not want to get pushed out of the train, or push someone else out of the train. That would be really embarrassing now, wouldn’t it?

After:
Assume Amensia – Board your rickshaw/taxi – spray yourself with lots of perfume, sanitize your hands, reapply lipstick, comb your hair, straighten yourself and forget this goddamn ordeal ever happened – till you travel again, of course.

Top 10 Rules Of Boozing !!!

Mr BECHARA

It is said that It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time..

I am writing this only because one of my friend forced me to write Husbands perspective on life after marriage as we are always making Fun of our Devils ..( Yes..M forced !)

One of my favorite movies RDB starts with a line ' I always believed there were two kinds of men in this world, men who go to their deaths screaming, and men who go to their deaths in silence. Then I met a third kind.' I always get a feeling that the third kind he actually refers to is about the one I am writing about. The kind that is different than others. Even different from the other married men. He is the most underrated superstar of the world. He is the one who is more like Spiderman caught in a web built by the society.He is bright, charismatic and still so humble and modest. He has suffered from centuries and will probably suffer for a few more.And yet he stands tall, fighting the odds, delivering the goods ( I do not mean the grocery here please) , easy to please. Yes, I am talking about ' THE INDIAN HUSBAND'.

              When I say this guy has suffered from ages and will continue to do so, I meant no exaggeration. The Hindu religion talks about two main holy wars fought. The causes for both were women and the people who fought and died where Indian husbands. Be it the father of Lord Ram who had to send his son to jungle or Lord Ram itself who had to fight after he went looking for the golden deer on his wife's wish. The Indian husband was torn between his duties and his wife if he was the king of old times. The Indian husband is still torn between his wife and mother in modern times.

                In the Indian wedding, people dance and celebrate and have fun. But little does the man on the mare knows that people dancing in his procession are celebrating a different cause. The married men are dancing cause they are happy that the people who suffer like them have increased by one more, the singles dance because they are saved and the women dance to know that they got one more from the enemy clan. What he has failed to realize is the reason why most Bollywood movies get over right after the hero gets the heroine and before they get married is cause we love happy endings. And they know that after marriage there is just ending to the poor guy's life. Nothing is happy about it.

              The poor husband suffers right from Day one. If he listens to what his wife says, he is a henpecked husband. If he listens to what his mother says, he is a 'Mummy' boy. Not just that, if a guy is liked by his in-laws he surely will be hated by his own parents or if the parents find him an ideal son, the in-laws are complaining. When he works too hard to make some money so that the family gets a good life, he is blamed for not spending time with his family. If he spends time with his family, he is blamed and he will be no matter how much he earns, that he could not get enough for his family. Poor guy keeps getting squeezed from all corners of the world.

                He gets into the mode of listening. Everybody has an opinion which will be a new battle waged if worked on. He tries to find solace in the newspaper and news channel. But the most important work to be done will always be remembered by the wife when he just opens the newspaper. The kids have taken control of the TV remote. He is expected to know everything that the wife thinks. He is expected to know how his parents feel. He is expected to work the way his Boss wants.The pressure of expectations makes his shoulders slump.His Blood Pressure increases.And then comes a time when people start saying, Ohh that Mr X, what a man he was, now he is married.

               Like a table tennis ball, he keeps going back n forth between his wife and mother. Like a football, he keeps been pushed around by his boss, colleagues, kids, parents and society.Like in Baseball, he keeps making 'Home runs'.And just like the cricket ball, he is battered and bruised in a few years. He is playing all the sports but is not enjoying it. But the guy still stands tall, remains humble and modest about his achievements of his daily life, keeps a smile on his face and asks the bachelor sitting next to him, 'So when do you plan to get married'?

              So please stand in silence for a couple of minutes or salute the guy, but find some way to respect this superstar.Ladies,Gift him something whenever you can cause he doesn't have a day for him. Archies makes no cards for him. He just sits there, suffers and does it with grace. A salute to all the Indian Husbands. May God give you the will to be strong. :-)

Mumbai Vs Delhi

Delhi is a Metropolitan and so is Mumbai. If Delhi is the political capital, Mumbai is the commercial capital of India. Both the cities attract people from all across the globe due to variety of reasons but what makes the cities really different from each other, other than the infrastructure is the human behaviour. This is an important factor when it comes to selecting a city to live in or a city to work.

Now this topic had to come. It was long due. Inspired by the famous 'Mumbaikar,Punekar, Nagpurkar' by P Deshpande and the fact the I am a true Mumbaikar whose born and semi-brought up in the city of Mumbai . A recent visit to Delhi provoked me to write this.There is a huge difference of culture n Human behaviour in both the cities.

             I find HUGE differences among the 2 places. Mumbaikars are always busy.No matter what time of the day, what day of the year we are just always busy. On the other hand Delhiites are always free. They always have time for everything in the world. The most recent example was Anna's agitation where there was a low turnout in Mumbai.We are always in a hurry to either catch some train or do something. They are never in a hurry even if it means visiting someone on a deathbed. Ask a Mumbaikar , 'Whats the time?' and 8 out of 10 times he will get irritated that you have wasted his few minutes asking the question. On the other hand, ask a Delhiite for an address, and chances are he will accompany you to the place.The best part is even when they do not know the address, they will tell you something like this ' Yahan se teesra right le lo..Aage ek mandir hai, wahan pooch lena' ( Take the third right and you would find a temple. Ask the person there he can help). They would hardly say I don't know, on the other hand a Mumbaikar might say I don't know even if he knows. Both extremes.


                         Time again is Money for Mumbaikars. We catch the same 8:42 AM train daily for years of our life. Then the connecting bus and reach office on time at 9:30. No one bothers wasting time. To the extent that a BEST (Bombay transport bus) Conductor threatens you with the fact that he will stop the bus if you have a verbal argument with him. He knows for sure all the other passengers will support him since they do not want to waste time by getting the bus stopped. Delhi on the other hand is the other extreme. I was travelling in a bus when he took the bus to the petrol station and declared that it will take 20 mins to fill gas. And I was surprised that all got down with no complaints and no hurry.I mean if it was Mumbai, we might have burned the bus for wasting 20 minutes.Speaking of Time,I recently had the luxury to attend a birthday party in Delhi and was invited at 7.00 PM. No one came before 9 PM. Mumbai on the other hand, the party hall is booked till 10 PM for a 7 PM party, so people come at 8 and leave by 9.

             Then again there is the attitude factor. Every Delhiite feels he owns the state. He will talk big and would always be pompous. The 'I can do this' and 'I can do that' types.Far far away from reality.I asked one of my friend here that why do they do that and he explained that it is a cycle. Today you are being a pompous person and people are listening, tomorrow it's his turn to be one and you will listen. Its mutual understanding.The same goes for salaries or earnings. Ask a Mumbaikar his salary and either he refuses to reveal it or will give a low approximate. Ask a Delhiite about it and he will add one zero on the right of the figure and mention it. I mean whom are you kidding man, We belong to the same industry we know the facts.My dad taught me this, that when you talk about finances with a Delhiite, subtract a zero from the right to get the true figure.

               That leads me to something that even Delhiites agree is a problem with them. Its something we call as 'Show-off'. A Mumbaikar would travel in a local train with a plastic bag that might have crores in it. A Delhiite earning in thousands might feel its below his dignity to travel in anything less than Honda City. He may not have the money to buy petrol but having a car is must. And this may not sync but I suddenly remembered that the word QUEUE does not exist in the dictionary of Delhiites. They get surprised to come to Mumbai and see Queues for everything. For a Delhiite, standing in a Queue is for losers.

The behaviour of people in businesses is more systematic in Mumbai than in Delhi. Once the procedures are set, it is a general observation that people follow those procedures and are ready to accept if they are wrong somewhere.

In Delhi people are more ambitious and the ambitions bring on the aggression at times. Procedures are taken over by urgent matters.

               I can go On n ON on this Topic. Speak about both and I have hundreds of examples to give. But than I cannot give them all cause I feel I will publish a book on it. :-) So let me keep some for the book.Provided Mumbaikars get the time to defend them and Delhiites feel the need to defend themselves to a software guy with no car (Bekaar).

Miss Being Myself !!

Missing someone?

Every time I miss someone, especially the one I love most

I can't help but to....emote.. because I'm emotionally sensitive person. 
I always try to convince myself to

 be strong and  don't quit

 I also give myself a piece of advice to

cry, but don't scream 

'coz if you do, you're being exaggerated, you might get funny to other.

I'll just look at myself at the mirror and mutter this word

I miss you

hope you miss me too..

Missing someone close to us, is common and almost everybody encountered this emotion. But we have our own way to overcome the emotions that sadness brought us.

How do you cope with this emotion of missing someone? 

I Miss being myself when I was with you !